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Tuckles and Nuch!

a place of hugs

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me and mike
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Nicole P.
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November 21st, 2012

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me and mike
It has been quite a while since I last "blogged" here in my LJ.  There have been so many changes in my life, constantly changing, which is good, that's the way it's supposed to be and I prefer to be dynamic.  Learning to accept and actually love change has been a struggle for me over the years, and I finally feel like I have conquered my natural response of fear and replaced it with a sort of, fuck it, let's do this! mentality.  In the past, the smallest of changes would send me into a nauseated siege of anxiety, with anger and meanness as a response.  At some points in my past life, I was physically ill from change induced nervousness.  Now, I'm 12 years older, and change grabbed me by the ponytail and snatched my ass right on through, and here I am, five months short of 30, different in every fucking way.  And I survived it! 

The worst types of change, too;  the slow, agonized death of my beloved grandmother to a vicious cancer, my dad lost to cancer as well, although that was something that I have mixed feelings about.  Many family members gone, some from just the area, others from this world completely.  My uncle Choppy committed suicide three years ago, on Father's Day, and just this past April, the day before Easter and only a few days before my 29th birthday, my grandpa, my wise, loving, and perfect grandpa, died at home, surrounded by his loving family and eased it seemed by my words, "We're here, we're ok.  The kids are playing.  We're ok."  Only a brief amount of time passed before I noticed his breathing slow, and I turned to the hospice nurse, Mike, and asked him, "how long?"  It was that moment, and I stood in the living room of my childhood home and watched the man who was my proud father slip away, quietly and painlessly.  These are the types of changes I feared most in my adolescence, but I know I have been lucky beyond comprehension to witness, and help, the ones I love cease their suffering. 

With Choppy's suicide, it was much different.  There is no peace or "coming to terms" with someone committing suicide.  Especially someone as close as Choppy.  Only time can start to dull the burning guilt and pain that comes along with that nightmare.  But even that event had a sort of elegance, taking back his own fate, deciding he was tired of the mire of a miserable life of addiction and sadness.  The truest victims are the children, myself included, whose biological fathers failed us and weren't able to rise to the occasion of life and maturity.  They wanted to party and stay young forever, died young.  Left us wondering and alone to navigate a life they couldn't handle.  That's why my grandpa was so valuable.  But I was lucky, grandma and grandpa passed on the knowledge of a different generation, and my mom was always available.  We lived without our fathers, but had surrogates.  Not everyone in my generation has been so fortunate.  It hasn't been easy.  My family has changed.

Not all the change has been bad, in fact, the overwhelming majority of it has been great.  While my family has undergone dramatic shifting and morphing, it has grown.  I have two nieces and two nephews that I don't see as often as I would like because of distance, but I have three little cousins that are like my niece and nephews.  My sister Bri has grown up practically, she's 17 now.  She was suckling at my mother's teat when I first started this journal!  I've been lucky in love, with my husband for seven years, and we're in the process of more huge changes.  But it's because of him that I have grown to see change as a good thing, even when those changes are so painful, they alter the very physical being.

Mike's about to graduate with his Bachelor's, yay!  It has been a long road for him, but he's finally done it.  For me, school has been a bit more of a challenge as of late.  It started off great, I had a path, but then in the last year I -- wait for it -- completely changed.  I would have to say that the biggest change of all in my life has been the change inside of me.  I have accepted my atheism and am still dealing with the mental task of accepting that I do not have a belief in God.  It is getting better.  Believing a lie is easy when it's comforting, but I am not one to just take comfort in lieu of a painful truth.  Not anymore.  And so I fell in love with Science, became obsessed with astronomy and math.  But three and a half years of college was already sacked up to Literature, which is fine.  I love Literature, and reading, and analyzing and discussing boring ass Russian lit or whatever, but now my heart is telling me to take a different path.  But I've felt trapped by school, stuck in the mentality that I need to hurry up and get a BA since it's so close.  Then the depression came on strong and stuff went wrong, mistakes were made.  A brief bout of addiction to that damn synthetic pot--I should have just smoked regular pot--and more mistakes.  But we made it through.  Now I am working as a server at a local French bistro type place, and taking a semester off.  UCF can really suck a bag of dicks.

We're thinking of starting a family.  We never really got too big on the idea of having kids, but now I guess age and sentimental shit has gotten in a bit and we want one now, we know the risks.  We love each other.  It would serve us well to be parents and impart some of the knowledge we were given into someone else, a living legacy of our grandparents whom we both loved.  We're not trying to not get pregnant anymore.  Here's hoping.  Perhaps my next entry will be as a new mom!

That's all I'm going to write, because I'm tired and I've been up since 4.  Mike went to Atlanta with his mom to visit his brother and his family for Thanksgiving.  I have to work.  Hoorah.

One love peace dawg.

January 27th, 2008

our skillz

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Tonight Mike fixed the bed!  We have a king sized platform bed and one of the firring strips broke a little bit.  Mike has the carpentry skillz.  While the bed was up, I vacuumed underneath it, and there was a lot of dust. 

Housekeeping is hard work!

So, I want to see how everybody is looking these days.  Post a picture/link to your myspace so I can check up on everyone. 

Thx!

January 22nd, 2008

hey!!

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So last night I went through all of my old livejournal stuff that I hadn't changed in years, I deleted people who had deleted me, got rid of the old links and whatnot, you know, cleaned house a little bit.   It was really fun going down ol' memory lane remembering all the times I've had on here with all the incredible friends I made, some of which I still have today! 

I'm hoping that this will become that kind of thing again for me, because it was lots of fun.

I would like you all to please check out my  husbands journal.   He is michaelpagz, and together we do a comic strip called "Be Here Now".  When I say "we do a comic strip" I mean I do things that he notices and thinks are cute, and then he draws them and gives me partial credit for them, because sometimes I also help with ideas he has or help to finish certain strips or whatever.

Spent the day at Universal today!! The weather was really incredible but halfway through the day the cold that I have been teetering on the edge of finally hit me full force, and so now I am sitting here all doped up on too much nyquil,  thinking about all of the fun craft projects I am going to be embarking on very soon.  There was a huge sale at the JoAnn fabrics near my house, because it is going out of business.  I am also going to go super hip on yall and start making bags.  If you have ever sent me anything via mail, expect something.  Give me time!!

Again, michaelpagz.

Win!

January 21st, 2008

hi cyber friends

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I'm totally  back on the livejournal.  I hope you all enjoy my fresh new layout and new userpics!

It's freezing cold and I need a snack so it's off to bed for me!

December 26th, 2007

internet stalker #1

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   Tonight I got the surprise of my LIFE when MARK, my favorite gay russian called me to wish me a merry christmas, while drunk at his work.  It just makes me smile inside to know that his adorable little heart still pitter patters for me.  And mine for him.  Thank you, livejournal, for such wonderment. 

Merry Christmas everyone, even though its the next day and christmas is over. 

Happy Boxing day, I guess. Whatevs.

Also, I had the most wonderful Christmas ever this year, thanks to my wonderful hubby for giving me the most lovely painted picture of the two of us, and an book on knitting.  I also got an awesome new bike, and some terrific flip flops with  pegasus on them.  Life is good. ;)

December 18th, 2007

hi cyber friends

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recently ive been really bored on the internets, and so i decided to dip back into the livejournal cesspool and see how things have been.  hopefully  everythings good for everybody, because my life has catapulted itself past fucking amazing and well on its way to ultimately supreme.
add me on myspace

www.myspace.com/daughtercool

and check out my super hot husband!

November 25th, 2005

i always find my way home

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it seems like whenever i meander back to livejournal its always like i was never away. my good ol free account, (which used to be paid but big deal) sitting here, always waiting for me to come back and open up my mind and heart into words that NEVER really convey how im feeling. and again, this is one of those times. i dont think that there are words in the language that are fitting for life sometimes.

oh but let me tell you, these feelings are fitting for life. the are life. i woke up this morning in a clump of feelings that, like vines, had wrapped themselves around me and tangled themselves in my hair and pierced my skin, took hold and created life inside my chest. its been so long since ive smiled this hard, since ive sat at my mothers kitchen table and rambled on and on, since ive quietly snaked out of my house, to another persons house, just to sleep, just to be that close to this person.

life is really something else, you know? how pain fades away and pleasure fades away and the lines blur with age, and grief and sadness can take hold of someone or you can choose to be alive... i dont know of any other science thats as important as humanity. we are an amazing creation of love. i know its a creation of love because wrapped in all this comfort with a little anxiety i still just can't wait to be in his arms again.

yessss

August 21st, 2005

(no subject)

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hey guess what?

i got a tattoo last night! my first one, and its a small cluster of very severely pointed stars with little orbish looking things around it, in blue and yellow. it rocked so hard. i will post pictures.

my cousin got one too, she turned 18 at midnight last night and she was dead set on getting a tattoo, so i took her and got one myself. she got a little black rod-iron looking butterfly on the inside of her right wrist. its pretty bad ass.

im glad i finally overcame my fear of tattoos and got my first little one so i can start on the great big one that im going to put on my right shoulder, arm and back. yessss!

August 12th, 2005

LOLLERSKATES

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so last night i went out with a bunch of people from work.. (im waiting tables at macaroni grill) and i finally am starting to get the feeling that almost everyone that i work with is capital A AWESOME. i totally made a new harry potter friend, and i talked about LJ IRL LMFAOROFL!
i_caved_in aka "bethany", who is super awesome, and i talked about a few fun lj things as we sat in the parking lot of a tgi fridays after consuming many many .99 domestic drafts with our handy new hospitality cards. it was so much fun.

see, this is what i was waiting for. i love new jobs because you get to make new friends. i didnt know that there were so many cool people in my little town, including a handful of guys that i love, too. everyone at work is so great, and i love how we all are starting to become friends. a bunch of people asked for my number, and now i guess im part of the group that decides which nights we all go out and where, because like 5 people came up to me and asked me where we were going last night. COOLNESS. i am so popular like whoa. ;) just kidding about being popular, but its still really neat that im starting to be able to act like myself at work. i love my job.

i bought harry potter 3 on dvd, and ive watched it sooo many times already. im such a sucker for harry potter... the new movie comes out in november! yay!

in other news, i took the nana out to macaroni grill for dinner, and we had so much delicious food, and then watched a movie at her house. it was fun.

later

August 3rd, 2005

(no subject)

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me and mike
goodnight lj-ers!! love and kisses
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